Words, they breathe.

"What else is a vision or fact of time and the peoples it bears issuing from the mouth of the cosmos, from the round mouth of eternity, in a wide and parti-colored utterance. In the complex weave of this utterance like fabric, in its infinite domestic interstices, the centuries and continents and classes dwell. Each people knows only its own squares in the weave, its wars and instruments and arts, and also the starry sky."
-Annie Dillard

"At night when everyone is silent and everything is still,  I lie in the darkness of my windowless room, the place where they exile me from the community of their heart, and search the unknowing blackness to see if I can find my way home. I tell myself stories, write poems, record my dreams. In my journal I write---I belong to this place of words. This is my way home. This dark, bone black inner cave where I am making a world for myself."
-bell hooks

"The true hero is flawed. The true test of a champion is not whether he can triumph, but whether he can overcome obstacles---preferably of his own making---in order to triumph. A hero without a flaw is of no interest to an audience or to the universe..."
-Garth Stein

"You mould my Hopes, you fashion me within; 

And to the leading Love-throb in the Heart

Thro' all my Being, thro' my pulses beat;

You lie in all my many Thoughts, like Light" ...

-Samuel Taylor Coleridge

"It is better to have your head in the clouds, and know where you are.. than to breathe the clearer atmosphere below them, and think that you are in paradise." 
-Henry David Thoreau

“The Crisis of the sorrow of so many years is all that tires me.” 
-Emily Dickinson

"Our thoughts are clay, they are moulded with the changes of the days;--when we are resting they are good; under fire, they are dead. Fields of craters within and without."
-Erich Maria Remarque

"We were masters of nature, masters of the world. We had forgotten everything--death, fatigue, our natural needs. Stronger than cold or hunger, stronger than the shots and the desire to die, condemned and wandering, mere numbers, we were the only men on earth."
-Elie Wiesel

"Within each of us there is a silence -A silence as vast as the universe.We are afraid of it...and we long for it."
 -Ernest Hemingway

"Within each of us there is a silence - 

A silence as vast as the universe. 

We are afraid of it...and we long for it." 

-Gunilla Norris

“If you are a dreamer come in
If you are a dreamer a wisher a liar
A hoper a pray-er a magic-bean-buyer
If youre a pretender com sit by my fire
For we have some flax golden tales to spin
Come in!
Come in!” 

-Shel Silverstein

“I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.”

-Pablo Neruda

“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.” 

-Plato

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which

grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)”

-E.E. Cummings

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” 

-Pablo Neruda

“I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.”
-Albert Einstein

“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.”

-J.R.R. Tolkien

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
-Marilyn Monroe

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
-Maya Angelou

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”
-Mahatma Gandhi

"The enlightened man is the greatest stranger in the world; he does not seem to belong to anybody. No organization confines him, no community, no society, no nation."
-Osho


"As humans, we crave wilderness and open spaces. We regularly seek out aspen groves, desert oases, ocean shores, mountain lakes. But we can’t be camped by a turquoise lagoon forever. At some point, we pick up our feet and trudge back to our lives, hoping to keep those times of nature and calm with us."
-Celeste Keele

"Say you have seen something. You have seen an ordinary bit of what is real, the infinite fabric of time that eternity shoots through, and time's soft-skinned people working and dying under slowly shifting stars. Then what?"
-Annie Dillard

Ahhhh, a reprieve from insanity!

I feel so optimistic and light that I don't want anything to disrupt my June zen. Today I ran a couple of miles through the city streets and absolutely absorbed everything around me. So many houses and yards to observe. I literally stopped to smell the masses and masses of roses. It was a sensory explosion.

Perhaps I'm still reeling from my Wednesday concert. It was a first in a very, very long time and it was very, very needed. I saw Danger at the Urban Lounge. Dance floors are such a separate world where one is able to immerse fully into shared feeling and experience. Everyone moves and sways with the beat while closing their eyes to the intangible pulse. I talk a lot about pulses and drums when I write; it's probably because they're such real reverberations. Sometimes they're the only thing that reminds us we're alive.

Whatever the case may be, I feel like everything is ok. I bought this new combination of vitamins and it's ridiculous----ly good. It consists of some B's, some D's and some good ol' fashioned St. John's Wort. I kid you not, I feel a lot of the perks of Adderall without the crazy high (which I love, truly, madly, deeply, but sometimes prefer not to be buzzing all day every day).

But nobody can argue that when life is good, life is GOOD. Sometimes I think about people I've crossed who've turned into jerks, but it takes about 5 seconds to remind myself that I actually need FEWER jerks in my life. More nice people, please. And more guinea pigs. And bunnies named "Puppy." And best friends in the feline form. I love my little animals, oh so much!

Anyway, Topie is wrapping up her year of Kindergarten and as she participates in field days and fun runs, I tell her to live it up, because those 6-year-old memories last a lifetime and you can never do it again. For the most part, I think she listens. She comes home radiating with sunshine and babbles incessantly about her day. Her energy is amusingly exhausting. I want to tell her to sprint a few laps and not come back until she's tired. My friend Rueben used to throw tennis balls up the side of a steep mountain for his Labrador to chase so she'd be mellow at home. I wonder if that works for children...

I have to work in a few minutes after this nice long refreshing day of "me" time, but I'm looking forward to several hours of friendly banter and the happy faces of my coworkers. It's so nice to have a job in such a positive environment. It rubs off on me, for sure.

So as I wrap up this little Saturday blip, I just want to say that life is good. I'm looking forward to a weekend of fun and laughter. Because laughter is always always always the best medicine.

A Saturday Spiel

Luck is such a subjective little token, but when the stars are aligned and the universe gives you a happy week, it's worth ticking off small fortunes on one hand and thanking the gods for summer breezes and enchanting sunsets.

Today's thunderstorm, for example, was riveting with torrential spring downpours and a crackling sky. Dashing into the grocery store for rabbit food and coconut oil, I was immediately soaked and thrilled by a small rainy adventure.

 

Because what is life, if not a series of moments (said so nicely by Matt Damon in Dogma). String them together and you have yourself a story. Throw that story between the folds of a book and you have yourself an autobiography. 

Stamp it, date it, sign it, earn it---just make it count, because that's the only way to wake up each morning and want to see what the next day has in store.

So in trying to live the way I believe we all should live, I've spent the early throes of summer hiking, trail-running, baseball-game-watching, sidewalk-chalking and duckpond-frequenting.

I have certain routines established that I wouldn't change for the world. Every morning after I drop Topaz off at Kindergarten, I stop up my ears with the sounds of iPod bliss and spend 30 minutes jogging around Liberty Park. 

I then stretch on a hill near the baby ducks and ride a euphoric wave of endorphins and cool breezes while my favorite tracks pound with drums that echo everything inside of me that pulses.

After that, it's a mix of work or school or mom-ness, but the addictions of Instagram and thrift-shopping find their way into the few moments that I have to disappear into the quiet places of my head.

And this week has been the best. Topaz and I hiked the City Creek Trail on Thursday night. We picked up potato bugs and took pictures of scary beetles. We watched how the sun lit up the mountain flowers and listened for blue jays in the trees. Then we came home and made s'mores on my patio. When I tucked Topaz in bed, she smelled like campfire and chocolate.

I feel like a broken record when I say that life isn't perfect, but I make the best of it. I think achieving happiness under daunting circumstances is an even bigger accomplishment than smiling through a fairy-tale privileged existence.

I've WORKED for my small Utopia and that feels better than flitting through luxury and fortune without comprehension of the percentage of the population that significantly struggles. My empathy is positively overflowing for the people experiencing heartbreak and devastation. 

But in the grand scheme of things, the only thing that really matters is Topaz. I can better myself so that she's affected by the positive change, but the more I focus on HER the more I'm satisfied with my role in life.

It's no wonder that on the weekends when she's with her dad, I'm a bit lost. 

I used to play a lot on Saturdays and Sundays, but now I'd rather come home after work, light a candle, watch a movie, cuddle with my cat.

And really, she's worth every sacrifice I make. Sweet little Topie is so bright and funny and wondrous and alive. I like the fact that she's so innocent, lacking the jaded outlook adults so often have. At 6 she's already extremely artistic and creative. She's knowledgeable and responsible with animals. She's concerned with conservation and carbon footprints. And she has that demeanor of those with an "old soul."

 Maybe that's why I'm suddenly so content as a mom---because with Topaz, I at least feel as though I've done something right.

And in order to KEEP doing things right, I've set some small goals for myself. It's recently become apparent that I'm now afraid of heights. In terms of baby-steps, next week I'm going to make my first appearance at a climbing gym. In the hands of professionals and safety nets, I'm going to face my fear and stop with this fragility I've adopted since my fall.

Since we're talking bucket-lists here, the goal is to conquer rock climbing this year and surfing next year. I've already broken my neck, so I figure the odds of being eaten by a shark are very slim for this decade. For past, present and future, I think the best parts of living are the challenges.

Eclipsing Things

Yesterday in a Saturday afternoon power yoga class, I laid on my back numbly as tears dampened the outer corners of my closed eyelids. My limbs were shaky and infused with breath, my shirt clinging in that living organic way of expended movement and my mind was clearer than it had been in weeks. A long-haired dreaded blonde instructor walked past my mat barefoot and his voice was like a love-song, "You are a child of the universe," he said, "as much a part of this Earth as every rock, every tree, every blade of grass. You have a right to be here and you have a right to experience this world in your own way. Everything that has happened to you has absolutely happened for a reason." That's when I cried. I hoped he couldn't see. I hoped that in sneaking out before the other unfolded forms I'd hidden my unexpected surge of somethingness. You never expect someone to say exactly what you need to hear exactly when you need to hear it. Especially when it's a stranger.

Today I watched a solar eclipse from the sidewalk. Kids rode their bikes up and down the street, oblivious, as my hair caught fire and my cardboard's pin-hole window sparkled with explosions of light. It was so beautiful. Every bush, every bee, every blooming bud was simply soaked with the saturation of the sun. It wasn't just a cyclical event for calendar crossings; the living things breathed more deeply and celebrated their unity with that scorching star. I felt it, I was there. It was like a yoga class for Earth where the energies all merged and focused on a sunlit breath, then bowed their heads in an end-of-day-namaste. The moon passed by in a crescent shadow and eventually the light melted from the tips of trees and normalcy picked up its hat like that glimpse, that surge of somethingness, might not have even taken place. And if it did, we simply got a pinhole viewing experience of its taste.

Sometimes it doesn't seem like there's much right in the world, but sometimes you have to just surrender yourself to not thinking about it. If I could absorb everything beautiful I've ever seen or experienced and live on the waves of those memories, nothing could touch me that was tainted or scarred. But they squeak through, like menacing little intruders, to furrow a brow or stifle a smile. I miss my dog. I escape by reading. I sometimes can't breathe. I sometimes create tunnels in my bed where I imagine nobody can find me. Sometimes nobody tries.

But yesterday I worked. People told me I looked like a movie star and my coworkers smiled excitedly as we talked about books and hiking trails and art. It's fulfilling really, to exist somewhere happily with contentment and ease. I love my house. I love my cat. I love the night sounds outside my window of freshmen university students smoking pot and playing guitar on porches. Tomorrow, Topaz comes back from her dad's and we'll hold hands down her school's hallway and talk to each other in sweet voices about innocent things and simplistic perspectives. I can't wait. I had my ground-breaking euphoria for the weekend, and now I can do everything absolutely for a reason. 

 

Oh sunshine, how I've missed you.

Well, Spring is finally here and some things never change. Once again, we've started out the season with zoo adventures and baby animal days.

Our cute little house near campus has great light and lots of fabulous opportunities for people-watching. Slowly, but surely, we're creating a little Utopia, like we (I) always wanted.

Topaz and I have been exploring the downtown area more and more, now that we're living here without the physical restraints of neckbraces and winter weather.

And the longer I'm here, the more the phrase "Smalt Lake City" applies. I run into familiar faces everywhere. Sometimes it's good, sometimes, not so good.

As for my family, all of my nieces and nephews are growing up. It's strange to watch someone to go from infancy to full-blown drivers' licenses and Facebook pages. I know adults have been commenting on that phenomenon for ages, but I'm experiencing it for the first time, so it's my turn to be awe-struck.

There's not much else to say. Things are finally mellowing out in our world of Puppy rabbits, city bike rides and late night movies (for me, at least).

I actually have several papers for my classes due tomorrow, but can't bring myself to write them when the sun is shining and the sky is blue.

And on that note, I don't have much else to say. Pictures usually speak for themselves anyway.