Here we are, reaching the end of this tumultuous journey. As I write this, I'm neck-brace free with mixed feelings regarding the past few months. Overwhelmingly, the euphoria of restful sleep, bare-necked showers, the convenience of driving and slow fitness return are happy happy circumstances. It's strange to feel giddy about the small things people normally take for granted in life. But finally, here I am, no longer stared at in public or sequestered in my house while everyone else goes on with their life. I'm ok and I'm excited to return to the land of the living. Those are big things...
I couldn't/wouldn't have done it without Topaz. Always my biggest fan and supporter, over the course of broken-Christie, Topie has been by my side hoofing it through the city (we averaged 3 miles a day), curled up to watch movies when I couldn't handle much else and endlessly fretted about other people hurting me or any over-exertion which might result in further injury. I was mothered by my daughter.
Yet, even though we're on the tail-end of tragedy and I should be merely bursting with joy, I want to reflect and remember everything that happened. Even though the expression out-of-sight-out-of-mind rang very very true with many of my friends and family, for me it was a daily fight to stay positive and motivated when everything else was so hard. Specifically, I feel an enormous amount of angst toward everyone who's expressed negativity toward my situation. For instance, I don't have health insurance, therefore I shouldn't be participating in certain activities (like rock climbing). Does that mean everyone without an Altius card should walk around with helmets and knee pads avoiding ANY form of transportation and just not live at all? People have also criticized my financial plummet. I paid my bills for the first 2 months, but by the 10th week of not working, my savings was depleted. On average, how many Americans could survive beyond a month without an income? I did what I was supposed to do---prepared financially for an emergency, but guess what? It's not realistic for a single mom to be able to support herself and her daughter long-term when she can't even open a pickle jar. People are so quick to judge and be scornful when really the most anyone can ask for is to do the best they can.
But as usual, for about 2 months, it was just Topie and I looking out for each other. We made it simply because we fought that uphill battle and had a handful of people there to pick us up when we felt like we were in over our heads. And despite it all, we're still smiling and have become stronger, I think, in the process.
I took a plethora of pictures in my neck-brace because A: I had lots of time on my hands, and B: It was strange getting used to seeing myself that way.
But as my friends often told me, I rocked the brace. Topie and I walked to parks almost every-other day. Sometimes we'd walk to Blockbuster or take Trax to the Library. Most of Topaz's baby-fat melted away in September, so I'll never again underestimate the physical benefits of truckin' it on foot. I wish I could say the same for myself, but it takes a little bit more than a brisk walk for this otherwise active girl to burn calories. That was one of the worst parts---knowing I'd gain weight and there was nothing I could do about it. But it's all hindsight because I hit the bikes at the gym yesterday and don't intend to stop until I waste away into nothing :)
Even looking at pictures now, I shudder at the sight of that collar. It was my enemy night and day with the exception of the times it evoked enough pity for dismissed parking tickets and driver's license renewals pictures; I said, "Ok, I'll only have my picture taken if I'm not wearing my neckbrace, but you'd better call an ambulance if I collapse,"---the cashier glared and waved me through. I also interviewed for a job and was offered the position that same afternoon, pending ability to resume working, of course.
One of my favorite things was to walk to the Tower Theater and watch movies solo. It was a great way to get out of my house and out of my head.
I also wore lots of strappy dresses despite how ugly I felt. To my sisters' dismay, I'd still get cat-calls from guys in passing trucks. Both Jennifer and Stacee said, "I hate you," at least once during this time.
Oh, and let's not forget---lots and lots of vino. Whether meeting up with Nique or Beav, or having beers with Kyle, I made sure to drink to excess, dulling the senses, feeling like I was myself again, if only for a moment.
And that's how I survived: walking every inch of SLC my little feet could reach, boozing it up with what few friends remained after dropping off the face of the planet for so long and focusing on Topie. It was her first year of school (kindergarten) and we had several adjustments. She's also lost almost every tooth in her head, so I'm not the only one looking different these days.
As for the rest, sometimes you just have to let things go. I didn't TRY to end up in an emergency room that afternoon, but accidents happen and hopefully I'll be better because of it. Maybe not my waistline right away, perhaps not my relationships with those dramatic people who tend to simply make things harder and most certainly not my credit, but my attitude and appreciation for life is magnified. Watch out world, I'm back!
